women and girls deserve so much better (for the millionth time)

"man, look at all this pussy out here!"

late Saturday night. $10 cover. strobing lights, loud music. regretting that i came, but knowing there were no other real equivalent options. not in Birmingham. not at this hour.

same ole Innis.

i immediately turned my head to see where such a grotesque comment dressed up as a matter-of-fact came from. the two men jovially glanced around the patio and then at each other. and as i looked away, unable to bear much more of that reaction, my heart sank for all the women who weren't within earshot to hear it and weep with me.

i tried to gather the context of the situation: what made him say that? was he trying to cheer his friend up, get him more "hype" for the event? had his friend just gone through a break-up (or was just really hung up on another woman) and in trying his best to get over it, this would have been the way to do so?

and then i realized it really didn't matter.

that's all we are? rhetorical question — because the answer is the eyes of that kind of person is yes. they will make sure you don't forget it, either. this comment was such a large jump from the many other degrading things that could have been said (that also should not be said). so outright. so reassuring for this lovely and upstanding gentleman's friend. so loaded with demand because it was stated by the man.

cleavage. tiny waists. big butts. all of the above. any of the other horribly objectifying adjectives could have worked. they wouldn't have been better — no doubt, equally as bad — and it's probably weird for me to be even dissecting not only the fact that degradation took place, but how it took place ... but in this society there sadly are levels to just how much or how little a woman is allowed to be disrespected before it's "too far" and "too much."

and that sliding scale is up to anyone's own discernment, too.

but it's all disrespect. the sliding scale is actually just one big circle. no matter if a man is simply ogling, catcalling, or physically touching. to me, there are no tiers. sexualizing me with your eyes is not nearly as bad as rape, but it's one stepping stone on the way to why someone might feel like that's perfectly fine.

sometimes i reflect on times like this, when i don't speak up — because i absolutely do speak up — and wonder why this wasn't one of the times. and then there i go, being a woman, taking the blame for a situation and a dynamic that isn't my fault and shouldn't be normalized to begin with. i think i would have had to depart from my group and scurry through a mass of drunk, sweaty bodies to shorten the distance between me and what's-his-face. which is only one minuscule inconvenience compared to the larger one that awaited me if i made it there:

the guy who dared to ecstatically claim such a thing (like a great majority of men who enable this kind of language and thinking) didn't give a damn,

that is even more disappointing than the first offense. these are made minds, you know, it's the way it is and there's nothing you could say to sway their opinion. and what's even more maddening is they want it that way, so of course they won't listen. better of propping up a folding table and fixing him a turkey sandwich than trying to start that conversation.

was anyone directly mentioned? was it about me? not specifically. but that in no way meant that i wasn't included in the litter of kittens clearly, in his mind, free to for the taking. but places like that — let's be real, any place anywhere with men like that occupying the space — are always steeped in lurkers on the prowl holding up the wall, hoping to get lucky. or worse: deciding they will whether their desired party is in agreement or not.

it's frustrating to constantly be shown that no matter how intelligent or funny you are, or how deep your lore as a woman goes beyond a man's physical satisfaction with you, that's always where it ends. never being seen outside of the needs of a man being met, sexually or otherwise (because we can't forget about being used as emotional mules!). and it's always your fault.

and no, this is not the part where i ask, "well, what if it were your grandma/mother/aunt/sister/cousin/daughter?" because who really cares it's not. not to mention, there are no doubt plenty of people who would still feel the same even if it were. do better. be better.

i know i'm not saying anything new here. and i know me saying it doesn't suddenly evaporate the issue. but it needs to keep being said, and i'm going to keep saying it.

the way things are do not have to be "the culture," i do not have to accept it as it is because it's basically always been this way. no one should want this for anyone. again, maybe on different "tiers," but the same general idea has been passed on for generations. just because women have gained certain rights and abilities does not mean we've arrived at our great, true freedom — because even as i type this, someone (many someone's) somewhere is trying to dial back and double-down on ignoring even where we are today.

we are more than what's underneath our shirts and between our legs. we are more than how much we're willing to slave, suffer, and submit at the expense of "manhood" and "masculinity" (under heteronormative and patriarchal terms). we are allowed to reject and expect more than that normalized "boys will be boys" behavior.

i don't have a real way to wrap this entry up. i also know i've excluded a lot of LGBTQIA+ nuances and intersectionality, so please don't read this just from a binary perspective and i do apologize for the heteronormative lens this comes from.

but i will say this: hold the men in your life accountable. raise younger boys to be beyond this entitlement. and these are not just the woman's duties! be bold enough to expect more from the boys and men in your lives. be courageous enough to foster safer spaces for women and girls.

k.c.d.